..

it didn't work out, we lost it. Not much i can say other than it hurts so bad. We really thought this would work.

WAITING......................... GOING INSANE WAITING...

I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST WANT TO KNOW ALREADY!!!!!!!!! I want to know I AM pregnant already that is...

Oh wow, worst wait ever.

Day 20 - 1/25/10 EMBRYO TRANSPLANT :D

So, let me catch you up...

The egg retrieval was a little painful and I had to take the day off of work, but the following day I was fine. I had to wait a day to see if the egg they retrieved could be fertilized....
The egg fertilized!!!!!!!! :D We have a baby embryo :)

We went to the doctor today for the transplant. This was a more simple procedure but I still was given a valume and took the day off of work.

We got a picture of our baby embryo when it was in the petri dish... so cool... even cooler....

We got to watch the sonogram as they put the embryo in, i saw it pop up on the screen.... IT WAS AMAZING! I can not even describe the feeling I got. Absolutley amazing, and there is our baby.... now we just have to wait and see if S/He wants to stick with us....

We even got to take home the pictures of the embryo and it in my uterus...


So now, we wait.... wait to see if our baby sticks.... S/He just has to grab on and stay with us... I'm praying.

:D

Day 15 - January 20, 2010

Today is the day of the Egg retrieval... I'm really nervous but excited as well...

Last night was the absolute most ridiculous evening ever. lol. Just had to give me my HCG shot.. this basically boosts your ovulation, so you're ready the following day for the egg retrieval.

Basically, Justin (my husband) had to "dart" a needle in my back hip. This process took about... 30 -45 minutes... At first, I was freaking out because first, needles suck.... second, needles that must be "DARTED" into you.. suck, third... an INEXPERIENCED HUSBAND darting a needle into you... is freaking scary! I'm definatley lucky that I only had to take one shot.. witht he Natural Cycle you don't have to give yourself shots daily... well let me knock on wood... hopefully this works so we don't have to do the expensive, MANY SHOTS, much medicine IVF.

So, after I got control of myself .. well and after I called my sister Sabrina and my best friend Ashley.... and she asked me.. do you want to have a baby or not?! then stop being a baby and DO IT! lol. Yes, I do want a baby... I CAN DO THIS!!!!

So I breathed, Justin said he was ready ... AND.... Justin can't do it.
You have to be KIDDING ME! You can't do it?? So after a few more tries, Justin pulls through and darts the needle in... I didn't even feel it. HAHAHA, The worst was pushing the medicine in, it stung and pulling the needle out hurt a little.. then the next couple days my butt was sore, but other than that, it was fine.

I'll let you know how the egg retrieval goes...

IT'S TIME!

GREAT NEWS! MY FOLLICLES ARE GROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, one on my left ovary is growing! And, it's time to move forward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! Wednesday is suppose to be the day we do the egg retrieval.


I'm waiting for a confirmed call because they still have to look at my blood tests but the Dr said I may be ready for my HCG shot tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAH... So... anyone who reads this blog, please, don't tell ANYONE! This is a secret :)

We'll see what happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


- :D Amanda

Well, I'm on day 10 again, Dr. D told us today, that if my follicles don't start growing soon, that means I do have an issue... well another issue.

Great.

Deep down, I knew this would happenin fact deep down OF COURSE I'm frightened that we wont get pregnant. I want this more than anything in the world... and you know what I DON'T want to hear...

"Don't think about it so much, I've heard that when people stop trying, they get pregnant!"

Can I address this? First off, Try being in our position and STOP thinking about it.... really? Not happening.... that's simply not something that is controllable until you're told you have no chance of having children. OF COURSE I'm going to continue to try until the doctors tell me it's hopeless.

Here's another,

"Don't worry, everything happens for ar eaons and ifyou can't get pregnant, you can adopt!"

Okay, first off, not the same thing. Sure, of course I can adopt.. MUCH later down the road... because you think In Vitro is expensive?.... try adopting. And, if we were to adopt it would be from another country. I'd rather helpa a baby from another country that might have not been able to be adopted rather than sitting on a 5 year waiting list for a baby in a America. But the other part of that statement that bugs me... D you think saying... " EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON" do you think THAT is going to make me feel better? I mean, really? No, that makes me feel worse, because what do you think is at the top of my mind? Well, i must not be able to get pregnant because I shouldn't be a mom.

No, I dont think people are saying that to me, but when you're going through something like this you can't help but to prepare yourself for the worst... so you think the worst of everything... it'sb etter than thinking the best and getting hurt worse in the end... I started this road pretty sure I'd get pregnant... now, Not so sure.


So, back to the Doctors appt today. Dr. D told me, "If this month is anything like last month... that means you've got an iregular cycle. Whether you had this before or not, you may have developed it recently. If that's the case, then we will start you on fertility medicine.

So, possibly fertility drugs next... : / Which means more $$$$... which, okay if it means me having the baby w want so badly, that's fine... it just sucks because I've heard that the meds can of course have side effects such as altering your mood/ emotions.... ha, that's the LAST thing I need right now! Among other side effects.

We'll see.. I just keep hoping and praying... yes I said it, praying... for anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a super religious person. But I can tell you, I do believe in God and I do pray to him. I may not be able to find a church that I feel doesn't push their own beliefs and take of the bible onto me but that doesn't mean I don't have my own beliefs.

I just hope taht God has a plan for me. I pray that the plan includes a baby and I try to have faith.

Till next time... I'll put a smile on my face and keep moving... Onward and Upward?

another round..

Happy New Year!!!
My resolution for this New Year.... to eat Healthy... everyone's resolution every year! AND, To be Happy, no matter what happens... I plan on being HAPPY :)

So... another round, here we come... I totally skipped my period for the month of December... wow, that has NEVER happened to me. I was convincing myself I was pregnant... till I took about 4 pregnancy tests.... I know what you're thinking.. with all the testing I've had with my Doctors, don't you think they'd KNOW I was pregnant?
Yea, I'm sure they would, but when you're desperate and something that hasn't EVER happened, happens.... you can make yourself believe anything. : /

I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever get my period... when on Jan 5th in the middle of the night, I was having ANOTHER pregnancy dream. I had a dream that I was pregnant but the cramps from the pregnancy were HORRIBLE... they actually woke me up they were so bad... then I realized... WOW, MY PERIOD IS HERE!!!
Ha, later, when I finally got back to sleep, I then had a dream that Justin and I couldn't have any babies, the IVF didn't work.... so , we STOLE A BABY!

Yea, i'm all about weird dreams lately! Don't worry, if this doesn't work out, I promise we won't steal your baby! lolol

So I figured, I'm sure I was absolutley stressed to the max, of course I was stressed, I'm trying to have a baby! And sooner than we thought we'd have one! And, I may or may not get pregnant... that's a lot to "not think about"...

So now, I'm going about this a little different this month. I'm not going to talk about it, i'll use my blog as my diary and put my feelings on here. I don't plan on talking about any of my Doctors appointments to anyone. I'm just going to see how it goes. I will be sure to let everyone know about it if it works out, or if it doesn't. For now, Justin and I are going to do this together.

I'd like to thank anyone who knows about it for their support in this. We appreciate everything. No matter what, we will be Happy. :)


NOW, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!!! HERE'S TO A BETTER 2010 AND HERE'S TO EVERYONE GETTING WHAT THEY WANT THIS YEAR!

XOXOXO

RIP Brittany Murphy

R.I.P. BRITTANY MURPHY

Well, Brittany Murphy has passed away... so sad :( I really liked her! Such a unique actress and as all the famous people have said, she always had a bright smiling face... I'm sure it had something to do with drugs... with the eractic behavior that was reported recently and the passing out on movie sets...

So sad...

Day...... NEXT..... : /

Okay… so obviously this month cycle did not work out.. : /

I didn’t ovulate… CAN NOT believe it… My cycles are NEVER late… so NOW, they are worried I MIGHT have an ovulatory disfunction…

This cannot be, seriously.. it’s always something holding us back. I mean I can’t lie, I see everyone on their facebooks with their babies and I do get a little jealous and wonder if I will ever have that. Yea yea, people say we can adopt… but A LOT of money goes into adopting and it takes a long time. Not to mention, we’re no where close to being able to afford adopting right now… exp since the Invitro is eating up any extra money we may have.

Dr.D said that we should try the cycle again in January with OUT fertility treatments… he said this could have been a funky cycle…

I’m hoping it is … I mean I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve ever been late for my period!
BUT…. The good news is… I’M LATE FOR MY PERIOD! Which means I probably did just have a funky cycle… probably my body is stressed from everything thing… so hopefully I can get my pd on track next month and we can get pregnant!

I joined this message board for Invitro and infertility women and it’s amazing what women have to go through… I mean to think I’m only in the beginning of what COULD BE… So many women suffer from infertility and miscarriages and stillbirths… as my mother in law said… it’s truly a MIRACLE that babies are born in the first place. There are SO many things that can go wrong even IF you DO get pregnant!

I mean all in all, you can ONLY get pregnant ONE day out of the month, the sperm HAS to be strong enough to fertilize the egg then there’s 10 months for something to go wrong!

I will count my lucky stars if we get pregnant and have one baby, I will be thankful for just one… I find myself praying for just one and that’s all I want.
I had a dream a couple nights ago… well I have pregnant dreams ALL the time just because it’s always on my mind… but this dream was SO REAL… Have you ever had those dreams where you wake up and wonder… Did that really happen? And it takes a minute for you to decide that was just a dream?
Well this was one of those. I dreamt I was bout 6 or 7 months pregnant and it was a normal day doing , whatever and when I went to bed, I had to sleep on my side… because I couldn’t sleep on my stomach with my big belly! Well, then I woke up and I was laying on my stomach… ( I ACTUALLY WOKE UP) … I started freaking out because I thought I killed my baby… then I had to think.. wait, that was a dream… I wasn’t pregnant.
It was soooo surreal…. I was freaked out all day, it felt SO real.

So anyhow, I’m going to try and enjoy the Holidays with family and friends and try and keep my mind off the baby thing as much as I can… so I don’t continue to stress myself out….

Yes… easier said than done….

DAY 17 ........

EXPLANATION OF THE FOLLICLE STAGE OF THE CYLCE:

The follicular stage lasts for about the first 14 or 15 days of the cycle from the first day of the period. During this phase, the release from the ovaries then the maturation of a number of follicles takes place, however only the most mature one of these follicles will produce an egg capable of being fertilised. A follicle is driven to maturity by the secreted hormone FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone).

As the follicles mature, they release the hormone estrogen. This makes the uterus wall thicken and the cervical mucus to alter it's consistency.

The Ovulation: As the FSH levels and estrogen levels rise, the secretion of large amounts of another hormone, LH (Leutenising Hormone) is triggered. This rise in LH provokes the most mature follicle to burst open and release an egg from the ovary into the fallopian tube.

As soon as the egg is freed, it is helped along the tube by tiny horn-like fronds that line the fallopian tube. The egg is now in a fertilisable state in a window of about 24 hours.

(Taken from: http://www.paternityangel.com/Articles_zone/How_it_happens/How-1.htm)



So I had another check up this morning, my follicles aren't maturing. This isn't good. Anything could be going on... My cycle could just randomly be acting up this month... which is odd because my cycle is ALWAYS on time... NEVER late. It's VERY frustrating and I just want to scream.... I knew it was too good to be true, to finally be getting pregnant.

No matter what, now we have to find out why my follicles aren't maturing. As you can see of the explanation above, this is very important to getting pregnant at all.

I'm trying to stay confident but it gets hard when there's always something standing in the way of moving forward. I just have to stay hopeful....