Invitro or Adoption? Both cost A LOT$$$$

Justin and I talk... Invitro... again? Sometimes, I say, I have to try again, just one more time. Then other times I say I don't know if I can go through that again. There's women out there that go through invitro several times.... They are so strong. I only wish I had that much strength in me. Maybe I do... I don't know yet because we certainly haven't made any final decisions yet.

I feel it getting close to decision time though... We need to decide, are we saving for another round of Invitro but this time, using two embryos? For a possiblity of twins? Oh, that would be amazing... i'm begging for just one... if we got two at once, would it be a lot? Yes, but I'd be thanking God if that happened :)

I've been reading a lot about adoption. Adoption from another country that is... if we're going to adopt we should help a child from another country, there's no point in waiting 5 years for a baby born in the United States. The point is, they are both a lot of money and a lot of time off work. The fact is I think we can only afford to do one... which one?

I guess we could try invitro once more and if it doensn't work, start saving for adoption a few years down the road. People don't generally start having kids until 30's these days... I just didn't want to wait until I'm 30. I'm ready to be a mom. All I think about DAILY is a baby. I think about what are we going to do next... make a decision.

Justin, he has said, "don't worry, we'll get pregnant!" But I don't think he realizes it probably won't happen... I feel more comfortable saying it won't then saying it will. I REALLY thought the invitro was going to work out last time and it is still killing me. I can't believe it will happen again. I don't want to feel that stab in my heart, feel my breath taken away, all my plans, all my hopes, all that love I was putting towards a baby that didn't stay. I talked... no begged to my stomache every day as we waited, for the baby to stay. Of course I think... what did I do wrong? I was to over weight? I had gained weight... was it work? Did I allow my work to stress me out too much? did i let the medicines stress me out too much? Did I let my emotions get the best of my body?

The question is.... can I handle all of these questions all over again? What was I meant for? I want to expierience mine and Justins baby growing in my belly. I imagine it all the time... is that all I will ever get? Imagination? Dreams? If so, that's okay... as long as the outcome is, I will be a Mom. I just wish I knew what we should do. Try again? Or adopt now? Should I waste more feelings/ emotions/ hope on trying again?

I don't know what I want to do... I know what Justin wants... to try again, he wants us to have our own... but what can I handle again? I just don't know yet.


Well, I'm getting an adoption packet in the mail from an adoption agency. I've talked to a woman on the phone a few times, it's comforting to know some questions can be answered, at least about adoption. I guess we'll make a decision when we can figure out just how much adoption will be. We'll figure out what we can do. What we can both live with.

A decision will have to be made... it's just when and what?