The Scattered Life of AVW Kimmel

Well, I'm on day 10 again, Dr. D told us today, that if my follicles don't start growing soon, that means I do have an issue... well another issue.

Great.

Deep down, I knew this would happenin fact deep down OF COURSE I'm frightened that we wont get pregnant. I want this more than anything in the world... and you know what I DON'T want to hear...

"Don't think about it so much, I've heard that when people stop trying, they get pregnant!"

Can I address this? First off, Try being in our position and STOP thinking about it.... really? Not happening.... that's simply not something that is controllable until you're told you have no chance of having children. OF COURSE I'm going to continue to try until the doctors tell me it's hopeless.

Here's another,

"Don't worry, everything happens for ar eaons and ifyou can't get pregnant, you can adopt!"

Okay, first off, not the same thing. Sure, of course I can adopt.. MUCH later down the road... because you think In Vitro is expensive?.... try adopting. And, if we were to adopt it would be from another country. I'd rather helpa a baby from another country that might have not been able to be adopted rather than sitting on a 5 year waiting list for a baby in a America. But the other part of that statement that bugs me... D you think saying... " EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON" do you think THAT is going to make me feel better? I mean, really? No, that makes me feel worse, because what do you think is at the top of my mind? Well, i must not be able to get pregnant because I shouldn't be a mom.

No, I dont think people are saying that to me, but when you're going through something like this you can't help but to prepare yourself for the worst... so you think the worst of everything... it'sb etter than thinking the best and getting hurt worse in the end... I started this road pretty sure I'd get pregnant... now, Not so sure.


So, back to the Doctors appt today. Dr. D told me, "If this month is anything like last month... that means you've got an iregular cycle. Whether you had this before or not, you may have developed it recently. If that's the case, then we will start you on fertility medicine.

So, possibly fertility drugs next... : / Which means more $$$$... which, okay if it means me having the baby w want so badly, that's fine... it just sucks because I've heard that the meds can of course have side effects such as altering your mood/ emotions.... ha, that's the LAST thing I need right now! Among other side effects.

We'll see.. I just keep hoping and praying... yes I said it, praying... for anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a super religious person. But I can tell you, I do believe in God and I do pray to him. I may not be able to find a church that I feel doesn't push their own beliefs and take of the bible onto me but that doesn't mean I don't have my own beliefs.

I just hope taht God has a plan for me. I pray that the plan includes a baby and I try to have faith.

Till next time... I'll put a smile on my face and keep moving... Onward and Upward?