So many good things in my life... but if I'm not happy with ONE thing... CHANGE IT.

I believe most people struggle with... maybe being jealous of parts of other peoples lives. With all of our lives blown up on facebook with pictures and "status updates" and conversations held online for all to see, I think it's almost impossible for people to not see these parts of our lives that we show everyone and not get jealous about something. It's that part of us that always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, I guess. For me, I generally think of facebook as a way to show of my son.. now anyway... and I love to post things so all my family can keep up to date on what is going on and how he is growing up. However, of course I have done a little... "facebook stalking". You know, you start looking at one persons page which leads you to another and another and so on.. the one thing I get jealous of is when I see girls I knew or know pics and they look so skinny, so good in all their cute outfits, I can't help but think... Ugh, that used to be me! I used to look so cute in everything I tried on and now it takes me hours at the mall to find ONE black, plain dress that I simply decide is acceptable to wear out. After I got back to work when Maddox turned 3 months, I began Weight Watchers and I was working out and I started running as well. I was losing weight and feeling good... but then, as a lot of moms might say, I got 15 pounds from my pre prego weight and the weight loss just stopped. Well, as motivated as I WAS... somewhere along the line I began to get unmotivated as the weight loss started to slow down and what seemed like it completley stopped. So now I am completley off of Weight Watchers, which by the way for a nursing mother is an AMAZING weight loss plan, I promise all you nursing mothers out there.. .it DID WORK FOR ME. I lost quite a bit a of weight on it. I gained over 60 pounds when I was pregnant with my son... I've lost almost all of that weight. Before I got pregnant I was working on losing weight... I was not unhealthy by any means and I still looked great it outfits I chose and right now, I'd love to get back to that weight.. but back then, of course I thought I needed to lose more and, knowing how I felt my goal is to get 10 pounds UNDER my pre prego weight. Right now, I feel so ... I'm trying to think of the word.. depressed about my weight comes to mind but I'm not totally depressed... i know I can get it off, but I know it's going to be MUCH harder from here on out. First off because as you get older and after you have a baby it's just more difficult to get the weight off, but also because when you have a husband and a child it just becomes increasingly difficult to "diet"... whether you call it a diet or a lifestyle change it's the same darn thing! The fact is, I told myself while I was pregnant... I'm going to eat whatever I want, whatever I crave because this is the time in my life I can... well, why am I doing it now? I have no excuse... my son is going to be 9 months old in 4 days so I can't say I JUST had a baby anymore. Come on Amanda, let's do this! Let's get this weight off. The fact is I know what it's like to feel good about myself and the fact is, I'm happier with myself and everyone else around me if I feel good in my skin. I know what I need to do to get there... so I NEED TO DO IT!

Now... I'm not setting an unrealistic goal, I don't think. I know I will never be the girl on the left ever again. That was 23 year old crazy party girl when all I had time to do was go to work, go to the gym and party in the evening. Oh how my life has changed now :) And let me tell you, I EXTREMELY happy with my life now, so don't misunderstand me. The only think I'm not happy with, is my body... hey I'm a woman... :)
One thing I remember from my childhood is hearing my mom complain about her weight, expecially when we went shopping... I used to think, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT IF YOU'RE THAT UNHAPPY! And she finally did once we got older and she looks amazing :) I'm telling myself...
If you're not happy with something, CHANGE IT.
So my goal is, I need to lose around 25 more pounds.... I think I could be happy with myself then.

Update on the family:
I'm a stay at home mom which I've wanted since I birthed my beautiful baby boy. Of course I've had thoughts since I have been a mom about going back to work. NOT because I am tired of being a stay at home mom... only because I am so used to having my own money.... I know that is so selfish to say. But I'm so used to be very independent and for the first time in my life I have to rely on someone else.. my husband. He's doing an amazing job taking care of us, but it has been difficult from an independent woman stand point, that's for sure! I have had a couple interviews for jobs.... I mean if I were to get a really good deal, I know that I should work... so we can save more money and set up a better life for Maddox... BUT I dread the day I have to leave my son on the week days again and miss him while I work. Who knows, maybe I can find a happy medium and find a job that allows me to work from home a couple times during the week. SO CONFUSED on that front... On one hand I feel guilty for thinking about going back to work... am I being selfish? Or by NOT going back to work am I being selfish? I don't know...
I was actually sitting out on my deck the other evening just looking at the stars... just getting some air and enjoying one of the ncie evenings we've had.... yea I know, sounds corny, outside looking at the stars ahah. I had just gone outside and Maddox and Justin were snuggling in the bed with each other watching TV. I felt such joy. I felt sooo lucky.. because I rememer the days I thought I would NEVER have this. I remember the nights I cried, praying to god with all the promises of what I'd do if he'd give me what I want.
Now, I have it and I mope about my weight. Seems so small in the whole scheme of things. I know that at least.

All I know for sure in my life right now is, my husband and my son make me the happiest woman in the world... fat or skinny ;)

UPDATE on my scattered life!

Hey everyone... I know, I know... worst blogger ever alert! I keep promising to get back into this and something just keeps coming up... life.

SO... Since I last wrote you here's what's been going on.

Going to work and missing my son was no fun... I missed Maddox so much. Well, to make matters worse work decided to cut almost everyone's pay. Well, I had to make a decision. At this point, getting a pay cut made it not worth it to work for me and be away from my son. If I have to be away from him... I better be making, number 1, what I deserve and Numer 2, enough to counter balance the time away from my son. SO, I decided it wasn't enough and I decided to leave my job. I gave them my notice and made sure to leave on good terms. Was I nervous? Heck yes! I have NEVER... EVER , not had a job since I was 14 years old. I had never left a job without having another job! I felt I had to go with my gut feeling with this was the right thing to do in my life at this time. JK Pest & Termite, owned by my husband, has been doing so well. The fact is, Justin works 7 days a week, morning to evening and he's doing really well. As long as the finances are done properly, he is making plenty to support us. In a way, with Justin gone so much working, I feel maybe Maddox was being slighted a bit with me being at work during the week all day and Justin being at work... well all the time!

So, I've now been home for a month... I do absolutley love being at home with my baby boy. It's such a joy to know that I can wake up and be with him all day long. I started out helping Justin with the business.. working up new marketing ideas. We'll see how they do!

SO, now after being home, my son is crawling all over the place AND he's pulling himself up on everything reaching distance. Our most recent challenge... sippy cups! OH MAN, he does NOT like sippy cups. I'm told eventually he'll get it, but he just doesn't seem interested... which I'll be honest, makes me not interested in giving it to him! He makes a complete mess, spitting juice and water all over the place on every try. Well... I'll keep trying and keep you updated on that!

You know what else is cool? Seeing that Maddox has learned how to work his toys now! You know, he know's what to do to make this toy make noise... or this toy to lite up! It's so amazing to see this little spongy brain soak everything in! He has also learned to pull all of his toys out of his toy basket... ha... that's fun apparently.

What is a pain? Well.. the crawling behind the couch every minute I don't look at him.. so I have to climb behind the couch... in between that and the railings... oh man.. that's a pain. ha.

Stay at home mom... let's see how I do! :D