6/28/10... Do you believe in Miracles?

Do You believe in miracles? I don't think I ever had an opinion about them. Sure, they are nice to think about, I guess everyone hopes there is such a thing... But of course know one really knows if there are miracles or simply coincidences that happen randomly to very lucky people. Maybe people who do believe havw experienced miracles whether in their own life or even being connected to someone who has had a miracle happen to them. Maybe the people who docent believe in miracles have had horrible instances in their lives that they couldn't escape and they weren't provided a miracle to get them through it... Or maybe they simply haven't had anything bad enough happen to where they have thought of miracles. Who knows... Ofcourse I found myself thinking of miracles a lot then past year and a half, who wouldn't when told by the doctor when you ask if having a child will be impossible and the doctor responds " miracles can happen". From that moment I thought to myself, "not to me". Yes the first thing you do is feel sorry for yourself... Until you realize after tods of research and infertility message boards that show you... You aren't the only one and thousandsof women... Millions of women go through infertility everyday.... So many women who don't get pregnant, who do get pregnant and miscarry, so many women... Couples who spend thousands of dollars time after time for the hope of getting pregnant, gettirng to full term and finally delivering a healthy baby. There are so many things that can go wrong to the healthiest of women out there with no infertility issues. Pregnancy is hard to achieve and even more difficult to keep.
So as soon as Justin and I found out I was pregnant.... I immidiTley thought..."it's a miracle!"... This was quickly dashed away with threat of how many things that can go wrong. As Justin and I havw now been to five doctor appointments and I only nine weeks along, my doctors have been helpful in easing my mind that all is going ok so far.

After my last third sonogram I'm happy to report that we have a heartbeat! When I saw the heartbeat pop up it was a wave of, love, excited, fear, anxiety, complete happiness and all of these overwhelming feelings. Once I was able to call my sister, mom and mother in law on the phone totell them the good news my excitement and joy was that much more excited.,
To hear their happiness on the other line filled me with so much joy.

Just some thoughts I was having, so I thought I'd share :)

catching up... starting with 6/11

Sorry my blog has been suffering... so much has happened and I haven't been able to update! So, I'll start with 6/11...

6/11/10: We had another ultrasound and this time.. YAY , We saw the little dot that is our baby :) We got to see the heartbeat as well... how amazing is that?!??! This was the coolest thing I've ever seen! For anyone who has seen it, knows what I'm talking about. A-MAZING.

Once we left the doctors office we called my mom, my sister and Justins mom. They were all so extatic! Barb (Kimmel) was in tears which of course put me in tears because we have finally found out that so far, everything is fine.

Our little belly bug has its first heart rate measurement at 150BPM. We are so happy!

Below is a pic of our baby and the Yolk sac!

All the Ultrasounds you could want...

UPDATE:
Friday, 6/4/10 We had another ultrasound. This time, we saw the yolk sac! The baby has not been "confirmed" yet since we haven't found a heartbeat. Looks like I was about 4 1/2 weeks last week and now I'm 5 1/2 weeks... my HCG Levels are HIGH... which could mean one of two things, my baby is very strong, healthy... or... could there be two???????????
No, no, not two, haha, it's funny, when they say "Be careful what you wish for!" , Just a month ago I said, "I'd rather have twins, then none at all!"

Well, I would, I'd rather have twins then none at all. I'm sure there is only one though :)

We should find out tomorrow, as now, 6/10/2010 I should be around 6 1/2 weeks along... so hoping we can see the heartbeat at the ultrasound tomorrow!!!!!

I'll keep you updated, we should have a due date tomorrow too!

HCG LEVEL TESTING....

Today, I have an appointment at the doctor to have more blood drawn, to test my HCG Levels. Since the Ultrasound was not much help, other than showing a dot in my uterus as well as and Endometrioma on my right ovary (great : / ) it simply wasn't "conclusive". So, we'll test my levels today to make sure they are going up and not down... or staying the same.

Wish me luck ... I'm praying everything is okay. We may just be earlier than we thought... I hope.

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, 5/23/10 we got back from camping. We had a GREAT time camping. It was fun, relaxing, good to be with good friends and very much needed!

On Sunday I was bout 13 days late for my period... now the week before when I was 6 days late, I took a pregnancy test... due to my sister forcing me. I had been exhausted and she said... " You could be pregnant!"... Of course I knew I wasn't and I took the test to shut her up.. and there it was, NEGATIVE. I knew it. :(

So Sunday when we got back I was still late, I decided... " I have one pregnancy test left, I'll just take it just because." I mean how many times have I done that? I've done that several time this year... well this time... BIG PLUS SIGN APPEARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did this really happen?!? I showed Justin and asked him if he saw PLUS sign too?! He said, "Umm, yea.. but can we trust that thing?" Hahaha, So I made a doctors appointment for Monday :)

Monday came, I had my OB appt and they confirmed I'm pregnant :) NEXT, Is the first ultrasound, scheduled for Wednesday to see how far along I am.

WEDNESDAY: 5/26/10

Well I'm too early to find out the due date... rescheduling another ultrasound for next week! Hopefully we can see the heart beat then too. I'm diing to see it!


Just like "they" say... we stopped trying and began thinking other options... and then it happened :)

So far, I feel fine, my boobs are a little sore and I'm exhausted. Work can be a struggle at some points during the day because all I can think about is laying my head on my pillow and going back to sleep! But, I'll get through it :) We're just so happy we finally have this baby and we are praying s/he stays with us! Let's get past the first three months now!

SPRING IS HERE!

Spring is here :)

I've been working out, eating right and trying to get into shape. I've lost 12 pounds with about 10-14 more pounds to go!

Today is a busy day, both with work and home. Justin and I are going camping this weekend with some good friends :) We can't wait! Although, I may have gone a little out of control at the store yesterday, buying so many things.... I spent about $250.00 for a weekend camping trip. That doesn't even include the tent! ahah. That's okay, I want to be sure we are comfortable and warm!

Can't wait to relax for the weekend, Rockie is REALLY excited too :) I mean, he's getting old and needs some exercise.. he hasn't been camping since last year obviously and he LOVED it. So I can't wait to take him :)

*Pictures taken from Gooneycreek.com

I hope everyone else has a great weekend!

Invitro or Adoption? Both cost A LOT$$$$

Justin and I talk... Invitro... again? Sometimes, I say, I have to try again, just one more time. Then other times I say I don't know if I can go through that again. There's women out there that go through invitro several times.... They are so strong. I only wish I had that much strength in me. Maybe I do... I don't know yet because we certainly haven't made any final decisions yet.

I feel it getting close to decision time though... We need to decide, are we saving for another round of Invitro but this time, using two embryos? For a possiblity of twins? Oh, that would be amazing... i'm begging for just one... if we got two at once, would it be a lot? Yes, but I'd be thanking God if that happened :)

I've been reading a lot about adoption. Adoption from another country that is... if we're going to adopt we should help a child from another country, there's no point in waiting 5 years for a baby born in the United States. The point is, they are both a lot of money and a lot of time off work. The fact is I think we can only afford to do one... which one?

I guess we could try invitro once more and if it doensn't work, start saving for adoption a few years down the road. People don't generally start having kids until 30's these days... I just didn't want to wait until I'm 30. I'm ready to be a mom. All I think about DAILY is a baby. I think about what are we going to do next... make a decision.

Justin, he has said, "don't worry, we'll get pregnant!" But I don't think he realizes it probably won't happen... I feel more comfortable saying it won't then saying it will. I REALLY thought the invitro was going to work out last time and it is still killing me. I can't believe it will happen again. I don't want to feel that stab in my heart, feel my breath taken away, all my plans, all my hopes, all that love I was putting towards a baby that didn't stay. I talked... no begged to my stomache every day as we waited, for the baby to stay. Of course I think... what did I do wrong? I was to over weight? I had gained weight... was it work? Did I allow my work to stress me out too much? did i let the medicines stress me out too much? Did I let my emotions get the best of my body?

The question is.... can I handle all of these questions all over again? What was I meant for? I want to expierience mine and Justins baby growing in my belly. I imagine it all the time... is that all I will ever get? Imagination? Dreams? If so, that's okay... as long as the outcome is, I will be a Mom. I just wish I knew what we should do. Try again? Or adopt now? Should I waste more feelings/ emotions/ hope on trying again?

I don't know what I want to do... I know what Justin wants... to try again, he wants us to have our own... but what can I handle again? I just don't know yet.


Well, I'm getting an adoption packet in the mail from an adoption agency. I've talked to a woman on the phone a few times, it's comforting to know some questions can be answered, at least about adoption. I guess we'll make a decision when we can figure out just how much adoption will be. We'll figure out what we can do. What we can both live with.

A decision will have to be made... it's just when and what?

My Best Friend is leaving ...

As the title says... my best friend is gone. She told me she was looking for a job out there, she went out there for interviews... but I just didn't expect for it to happen this fast. While I've been there for her during her hard time she probably didn't even realize how much she's been there more for me. To take my mind off my issues. We talk every day and try to get together as often as possible. She keeps me busy and I talk to her about everything... things I could never tell anyone else.

This weekend was a hard one for me. I went out on Friday night with my husband and some friends. It was meant to be a good night out, and it was, until the end. I ended up getting into a conversation with someone.
He proceeded to tell me how he's gotten girls pregnan, you know drunken talk... at that moment, I thought to myself... I've been thinking this whole time that maybe if I wasn't so responsible I could have gotten pregnant earlier. Even if it was with the wrong person, atleast I'd have my baby. But at that moment, I felt all my what if's go out the window. He's gotten other girls pregnant? I was NEVER pregnant. We had our mistakes... but it never happened. I thought... I was NEVER able to get pregnant. And now, more then ever I believe it will never happen for me.

I'm so much in my head these days. Justin knew I was upset on the way home ofcourse because he saw my tears. I couldn't bring myself to tell him why, I just know he won't understand. He got irritated but there's things he just can't understand on my side.

Now, my best friend who, doesn't really understand either but atleast she can keep my head away from all of this, is leaving me. Not even in a month... she's already gone. She just calls on Sunday and says, I'm not coming back, I found a job and I start Tuesday. It hurt so bad, she was the one person I had here with me. And now I feel like I have no one. Yes, I have my husband and he says, "Don't cry, it's okay hun, you have me, you can talk to me." I know I can, but it's different. I don't know how to explain it.

As they say on Grey's Anatomy... She's my person, and she's leaving. What am I supposed to do now?

Facebook blues...

Some days, facebook really upsets me. I just get so sad, seeing all these people happily pregnant. Some people, it's so easy for. Of course I'm jealous... I'm happy for them, but I constantly wonder, why can't that be me?

Some days I get more sad than others. Some days I can pretend that we just aren't trying and we're just a newlywed couple living our life....

then there's days like this one, where I feel so sad I am on the verge of tears while at work, thinking, it's never going to be our turn. I'm not going to get to feel the experience of pregnancy, of birth, of giving Justin his one chance at having a "blood relative". His family is amazing to him, he doesn't need "blood", but I guess it's that feeling of wanting to give your husband something no one else has been able to give him? I don't know. Then there's just me, the way I feel about it for myself. I've always known I wanted kid(s) and now what if I can't? Sure, there's adoption... but we'll have to wait MUCH longer than I ever wanted to, and that is also extremely expensive.

I guess I'm stuck right now. I want to try again, (in vitro) but then again I don't... I don't want to be told "it didn't work" again. I don't want it to be "Final".

I guess, I'm just waiting for a miracle... for our lives to just be easy all of a sudden? But I guess that's what everyone is waiting for, in some shape or form.
Nothing is perfect, but I don't want THIS inperfection....

I just want to stop dreaming about it... because I do, all the time, I can't control it. It makes it worse because at night, it's right there and I can feel it. Some times it's so real that when I wake up, I'm just so heart broken that it wasn't real.

So many people are going through infertility in the world... but it's hard to think about them, it's hard to think that I'm NOT the only one.... expecially with all the happy pregnant women around.

Work, work doesn't help. It's just ridiculous right now. Why they won't hire an extra person is beyond me. We are so overwhelmed it jsut doesn't help.


Hopefully some better days are coming, I'm just waiting for them...

Waiting to try again... want to be in the best health.

Well, we knew right away that we wanted to try again. At first I wanted to try right away. But, right now, I don't think I'm emotionally ready for it.... I'm not ready to hear " It's not good news I'm afraid" again right now. So, I'm working out, eating healthy fully off of caffeine and working hard to make my body as healthy as I can.

So, I've been working out everyday except Sundays.

I don't have much more to write about right now but I'll keep the blog updated.