My Best Friend is leaving ...

As the title says... my best friend is gone. She told me she was looking for a job out there, she went out there for interviews... but I just didn't expect for it to happen this fast. While I've been there for her during her hard time she probably didn't even realize how much she's been there more for me. To take my mind off my issues. We talk every day and try to get together as often as possible. She keeps me busy and I talk to her about everything... things I could never tell anyone else.

This weekend was a hard one for me. I went out on Friday night with my husband and some friends. It was meant to be a good night out, and it was, until the end. I ended up getting into a conversation with someone.
He proceeded to tell me how he's gotten girls pregnan, you know drunken talk... at that moment, I thought to myself... I've been thinking this whole time that maybe if I wasn't so responsible I could have gotten pregnant earlier. Even if it was with the wrong person, atleast I'd have my baby. But at that moment, I felt all my what if's go out the window. He's gotten other girls pregnant? I was NEVER pregnant. We had our mistakes... but it never happened. I thought... I was NEVER able to get pregnant. And now, more then ever I believe it will never happen for me.

I'm so much in my head these days. Justin knew I was upset on the way home ofcourse because he saw my tears. I couldn't bring myself to tell him why, I just know he won't understand. He got irritated but there's things he just can't understand on my side.

Now, my best friend who, doesn't really understand either but atleast she can keep my head away from all of this, is leaving me. Not even in a month... she's already gone. She just calls on Sunday and says, I'm not coming back, I found a job and I start Tuesday. It hurt so bad, she was the one person I had here with me. And now I feel like I have no one. Yes, I have my husband and he says, "Don't cry, it's okay hun, you have me, you can talk to me." I know I can, but it's different. I don't know how to explain it.

As they say on Grey's Anatomy... She's my person, and she's leaving. What am I supposed to do now?

Facebook blues...

Some days, facebook really upsets me. I just get so sad, seeing all these people happily pregnant. Some people, it's so easy for. Of course I'm jealous... I'm happy for them, but I constantly wonder, why can't that be me?

Some days I get more sad than others. Some days I can pretend that we just aren't trying and we're just a newlywed couple living our life....

then there's days like this one, where I feel so sad I am on the verge of tears while at work, thinking, it's never going to be our turn. I'm not going to get to feel the experience of pregnancy, of birth, of giving Justin his one chance at having a "blood relative". His family is amazing to him, he doesn't need "blood", but I guess it's that feeling of wanting to give your husband something no one else has been able to give him? I don't know. Then there's just me, the way I feel about it for myself. I've always known I wanted kid(s) and now what if I can't? Sure, there's adoption... but we'll have to wait MUCH longer than I ever wanted to, and that is also extremely expensive.

I guess I'm stuck right now. I want to try again, (in vitro) but then again I don't... I don't want to be told "it didn't work" again. I don't want it to be "Final".

I guess, I'm just waiting for a miracle... for our lives to just be easy all of a sudden? But I guess that's what everyone is waiting for, in some shape or form.
Nothing is perfect, but I don't want THIS inperfection....

I just want to stop dreaming about it... because I do, all the time, I can't control it. It makes it worse because at night, it's right there and I can feel it. Some times it's so real that when I wake up, I'm just so heart broken that it wasn't real.

So many people are going through infertility in the world... but it's hard to think about them, it's hard to think that I'm NOT the only one.... expecially with all the happy pregnant women around.

Work, work doesn't help. It's just ridiculous right now. Why they won't hire an extra person is beyond me. We are so overwhelmed it jsut doesn't help.


Hopefully some better days are coming, I'm just waiting for them...

Waiting to try again... want to be in the best health.

Well, we knew right away that we wanted to try again. At first I wanted to try right away. But, right now, I don't think I'm emotionally ready for it.... I'm not ready to hear " It's not good news I'm afraid" again right now. So, I'm working out, eating healthy fully off of caffeine and working hard to make my body as healthy as I can.

So, I've been working out everyday except Sundays.

I don't have much more to write about right now but I'll keep the blog updated.

..

it didn't work out, we lost it. Not much i can say other than it hurts so bad. We really thought this would work.

WAITING......................... GOING INSANE WAITING...

I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST WANT TO KNOW ALREADY!!!!!!!!! I want to know I AM pregnant already that is...

Oh wow, worst wait ever.

Day 20 - 1/25/10 EMBRYO TRANSPLANT :D

So, let me catch you up...

The egg retrieval was a little painful and I had to take the day off of work, but the following day I was fine. I had to wait a day to see if the egg they retrieved could be fertilized....
The egg fertilized!!!!!!!! :D We have a baby embryo :)

We went to the doctor today for the transplant. This was a more simple procedure but I still was given a valume and took the day off of work.

We got a picture of our baby embryo when it was in the petri dish... so cool... even cooler....

We got to watch the sonogram as they put the embryo in, i saw it pop up on the screen.... IT WAS AMAZING! I can not even describe the feeling I got. Absolutley amazing, and there is our baby.... now we just have to wait and see if S/He wants to stick with us....

We even got to take home the pictures of the embryo and it in my uterus...


So now, we wait.... wait to see if our baby sticks.... S/He just has to grab on and stay with us... I'm praying.

:D

Day 15 - January 20, 2010

Today is the day of the Egg retrieval... I'm really nervous but excited as well...

Last night was the absolute most ridiculous evening ever. lol. Just had to give me my HCG shot.. this basically boosts your ovulation, so you're ready the following day for the egg retrieval.

Basically, Justin (my husband) had to "dart" a needle in my back hip. This process took about... 30 -45 minutes... At first, I was freaking out because first, needles suck.... second, needles that must be "DARTED" into you.. suck, third... an INEXPERIENCED HUSBAND darting a needle into you... is freaking scary! I'm definatley lucky that I only had to take one shot.. witht he Natural Cycle you don't have to give yourself shots daily... well let me knock on wood... hopefully this works so we don't have to do the expensive, MANY SHOTS, much medicine IVF.

So, after I got control of myself .. well and after I called my sister Sabrina and my best friend Ashley.... and she asked me.. do you want to have a baby or not?! then stop being a baby and DO IT! lol. Yes, I do want a baby... I CAN DO THIS!!!!

So I breathed, Justin said he was ready ... AND.... Justin can't do it.
You have to be KIDDING ME! You can't do it?? So after a few more tries, Justin pulls through and darts the needle in... I didn't even feel it. HAHAHA, The worst was pushing the medicine in, it stung and pulling the needle out hurt a little.. then the next couple days my butt was sore, but other than that, it was fine.

I'll let you know how the egg retrieval goes...

IT'S TIME!

GREAT NEWS! MY FOLLICLES ARE GROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, one on my left ovary is growing! And, it's time to move forward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! Wednesday is suppose to be the day we do the egg retrieval.


I'm waiting for a confirmed call because they still have to look at my blood tests but the Dr said I may be ready for my HCG shot tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAH... So... anyone who reads this blog, please, don't tell ANYONE! This is a secret :)

We'll see what happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


- :D Amanda

Well, I'm on day 10 again, Dr. D told us today, that if my follicles don't start growing soon, that means I do have an issue... well another issue.

Great.

Deep down, I knew this would happenin fact deep down OF COURSE I'm frightened that we wont get pregnant. I want this more than anything in the world... and you know what I DON'T want to hear...

"Don't think about it so much, I've heard that when people stop trying, they get pregnant!"

Can I address this? First off, Try being in our position and STOP thinking about it.... really? Not happening.... that's simply not something that is controllable until you're told you have no chance of having children. OF COURSE I'm going to continue to try until the doctors tell me it's hopeless.

Here's another,

"Don't worry, everything happens for ar eaons and ifyou can't get pregnant, you can adopt!"

Okay, first off, not the same thing. Sure, of course I can adopt.. MUCH later down the road... because you think In Vitro is expensive?.... try adopting. And, if we were to adopt it would be from another country. I'd rather helpa a baby from another country that might have not been able to be adopted rather than sitting on a 5 year waiting list for a baby in a America. But the other part of that statement that bugs me... D you think saying... " EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON" do you think THAT is going to make me feel better? I mean, really? No, that makes me feel worse, because what do you think is at the top of my mind? Well, i must not be able to get pregnant because I shouldn't be a mom.

No, I dont think people are saying that to me, but when you're going through something like this you can't help but to prepare yourself for the worst... so you think the worst of everything... it'sb etter than thinking the best and getting hurt worse in the end... I started this road pretty sure I'd get pregnant... now, Not so sure.


So, back to the Doctors appt today. Dr. D told me, "If this month is anything like last month... that means you've got an iregular cycle. Whether you had this before or not, you may have developed it recently. If that's the case, then we will start you on fertility medicine.

So, possibly fertility drugs next... : / Which means more $$$$... which, okay if it means me having the baby w want so badly, that's fine... it just sucks because I've heard that the meds can of course have side effects such as altering your mood/ emotions.... ha, that's the LAST thing I need right now! Among other side effects.

We'll see.. I just keep hoping and praying... yes I said it, praying... for anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a super religious person. But I can tell you, I do believe in God and I do pray to him. I may not be able to find a church that I feel doesn't push their own beliefs and take of the bible onto me but that doesn't mean I don't have my own beliefs.

I just hope taht God has a plan for me. I pray that the plan includes a baby and I try to have faith.

Till next time... I'll put a smile on my face and keep moving... Onward and Upward?

another round..

Happy New Year!!!
My resolution for this New Year.... to eat Healthy... everyone's resolution every year! AND, To be Happy, no matter what happens... I plan on being HAPPY :)

So... another round, here we come... I totally skipped my period for the month of December... wow, that has NEVER happened to me. I was convincing myself I was pregnant... till I took about 4 pregnancy tests.... I know what you're thinking.. with all the testing I've had with my Doctors, don't you think they'd KNOW I was pregnant?
Yea, I'm sure they would, but when you're desperate and something that hasn't EVER happened, happens.... you can make yourself believe anything. : /

I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever get my period... when on Jan 5th in the middle of the night, I was having ANOTHER pregnancy dream. I had a dream that I was pregnant but the cramps from the pregnancy were HORRIBLE... they actually woke me up they were so bad... then I realized... WOW, MY PERIOD IS HERE!!!
Ha, later, when I finally got back to sleep, I then had a dream that Justin and I couldn't have any babies, the IVF didn't work.... so , we STOLE A BABY!

Yea, i'm all about weird dreams lately! Don't worry, if this doesn't work out, I promise we won't steal your baby! lolol

So I figured, I'm sure I was absolutley stressed to the max, of course I was stressed, I'm trying to have a baby! And sooner than we thought we'd have one! And, I may or may not get pregnant... that's a lot to "not think about"...

So now, I'm going about this a little different this month. I'm not going to talk about it, i'll use my blog as my diary and put my feelings on here. I don't plan on talking about any of my Doctors appointments to anyone. I'm just going to see how it goes. I will be sure to let everyone know about it if it works out, or if it doesn't. For now, Justin and I are going to do this together.

I'd like to thank anyone who knows about it for their support in this. We appreciate everything. No matter what, we will be Happy. :)


NOW, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!!! HERE'S TO A BETTER 2010 AND HERE'S TO EVERYONE GETTING WHAT THEY WANT THIS YEAR!

XOXOXO